notes to self:

-I was wrong dentists are psychopathic and either extremely intelligent or unintelligent, research that

you can’t have memories before the age of one-research that even though I know the answer.

-“Can you have kids” “no, i mean yes”

crazy car that drives self

-not concerned about safe sex by any means

doesn’t know anyone, parents died when he was my age, no relationship with sister

has permit to carry a concealed weapon

married once, lasted one year, wife had affair prior to marriage which continued through out marriage and he didn’t notice

stop trying to make me floss

loves proposing, several failed proposals

desperately wants to be engaged, get married, and have children.. owns a 4 bedroom mansion outside of boston and crazy ass apartment, excuse me i mean”condomineum” in boston

won’t listen to anything you have to say even when its related to the field youve studied longer then you went to school for and it adamant that  you are wrong.

sarcastic threats to use weapon

serial killing jokes

laughed about death of abnormal psych professor and called it a “dream come true”

loves guns???

subspecialists openly admit concerns regarding sociopathic tendencies, dentists avoid subject

-“have you ever killed anyone” “no, well kind of. maybe im not sure I think it was my hygenist”

why wont they answer any questions without sarcasm even if its in regards to a serious matter.. like just give me a serious answer

maturity of a 25-year-old vs. 46 actual age

doesn’t know how to converse

can’t seem to figure out dx, features of way too many

 

vs.

doctors/subspecialists

open to conversation, don’t avoid topics, open to talking about family, childhood etc.

extremely adamant about safe sex

express concerns regarding feelings of sociopathic tendencies such as “lack of remorse for  things that I know I should feel remorseful about.”

make less and have less time, but less likely to murder you

Missing the old me

 

I can’t put into words how much I miss you right now. I want you back, I need you back I hate the person who replaced you. I hate valentines day so much, you used to love it.  Last year you spent it with Max, you were so happy. Now I’m completely alone, living in this false reality that I’ve created. My mom is here visiting, I feel like I’m going to throw up in her face from trying so hard to act like I’m okay. You had your life together, you were filled with passion, confidence, love and hope.  But that went away when you went away. I’ve been dissociated for so long, time just passes by, and I have no perception of it. When someone steps in to break the false reality, it kills. It hurts so bad, being reminded of the person you and everyone else used to know.  The girl everyone loved, who laughed, sang, ate and cared so much for herself and others. The girl who had goals, dreams and saw a bright future for herself. Your pintrist walls with wedding dresses, engagement rings, inspirational quotes. Now look what I do to myself. All I do is hurt myself and everyone around me. I need you to come back, I would do anything to be like you again. Please come back I miss you so much. It hurts so much I just want to sit in my room and cry but I can’t. You hated being alone, and all I want is to be alone. I’m so ashamed of the reckless, worthless, hopeless person I’ve become. I’m not sure if I’ll ever see you again. I don’t see how you can come back after everything I put you through. I’m so sick of everyone asking what happened to your wrist? I’m so sick of hating myself and hurting myself and putting myself in these stupid situations and getting myself into trouble. But I can’t stop now, there’s no reason to. I know your not coming back, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to accept who you’ve become.

Note to self

dont read this is seriously just a reminder for myself and I don’t feel like writing it down

 

 

1. Doctors seem to be more sociopathic than dentists, as compared to dentists who seem to exhibit more Ocpd like tendencies. Doctors in sub specialties seem to be more sociopathic compared to those not in sub specialties.

2. When your ready, consult with a mental health professional (other than yourself) as to why you find guys fresh out of prison so hott.

Rock Bottom

How do you know when you’ve actually hit rock bottom? How many destructive things can you do to yourself and the people around you, how many ways can you sabotage your life and the lives of others until you can say you’ve officially hit rock bottom? I can’t say I’m proud of my actions lately, but I can’t say I really give a fuck either. It starts with one stupid decision and next think you know your out of control and you know you’re doing things that you will regret but you don’t care because it’s too late, you’ve done enough to yourself, you can’t hate yourself anymore than you already do. There’s nothing more you can do, it can’t possibly get any worse. So you keep digging yourself deeper and deeper into this hole, where you should find rock bottom, but you don’t. How much more destruction can you take? How much more can the people around you take? You ask me to hold on, hold on to what? There’s nothing to hold onto in this hole I’ve dug myself in, and I’m alone here. I can’t climb out, I wanted to, and I tried, but It’s too hard. *THIS IS IN NO WAY MEANT TO BE INTERPRETED AS ME WANTING TO HARM MYSELF OR OTHERS ONCE AGAIN I AM NOT IN ANYWAY IMPLYING THAT I WANT TO HARM MYSELF NOR AM I IMPLYING HAVING ANY SUICIDE IDEATION*******

I Dare you to Live

Alexis Chateau

What is your first memory?

An unusual question – an older cousin first asked me this after completing a psychology course in college. But it was many years later, before the answer came to me of its own accord.

It was just a few years ago actually – when I had a random flashback of a scene that didn’t quite make sense. It was of my 2nd birthday. But instead of daylight festivities, I remembered my mom waiting until after dark to cut my cake, and to celebrate at all.

To add to my confusion, I had absolutely no memory of my biological father being present at the time.

Checking the Validity

It was for that very reason that I mistrusted the memory. By then, I had completed psychology courses as well, and knew all about how present situations can ‘change’ or ‘fix’ what we think we remember.

It’s been ten years since I…

View original post 384 more words

Normal is Boring.

My last posts have been so depressing, and I’m so over it (for now?). Sometimes I might have a lot of intense, overwhelming, dark, irrational and slightly delusional feelings and thoughts, but then other times I realize that being borderline is really fun, and I’m really fucking awesome. For example, BPD is associated with higher than average IQ and intelligence. I’m incredibly intelligent. I’m also always extremely aware of what’s going on around me, what people are thinking and feeling to the point that I could probably tell a stranger more about them then they know about themselves.It’s also not just me who feels the intense emotions, I can make other people feel them too, and it makes dating so much more fun. I can be anyone, at any time. I also have this weird thing where when I feel like it, I can make people love me, hate me, want to be me etc.  I can  be extremely manipulative in a slightly freighting way (the people I’m closest with openly admit that they fear me). I see things that other people don’t, I know how people work and I can use that to my advantage. So I guess I can see how that can be scary for some people, but I can also be manipulative for the greater good. If you know me

images.jpg

you know not to fuck with me, I’m not going to elaborate on that one… And I’m sorry but I can’t leave out the whole “bpd magnet theory.” We are typically extremely attractive and the best in bed. I can’t say I mind being drop dead gorgeous, and the best sex you’ve ever had. Thought I’d try writing some positive things about myself 🙂 Cheers ❤